The world was my oyster. Almost.

Many of the top classical composers wrote Variations on a theme; Beethoven, Bach, Stauss, Brahms.

Is it surprising that hotel-ballroom sales people…also at the top of their league…do Variations on a sales technique?

I recently wrote a piece about a time-share pitch Sue and I attended in Myrtle Beach years ago. In exchange for a truly agonizing four-hour sales presentation/facility tour, we got three days and two nights off-season at a hotel in Myrtle. We can drive there in four hours. Never again, I swore like Scarlett O’Hara.

But time tends to blur things and when Sue asked if wanted to attend another pitch, I sighed. What the heck. It was only a week away, no agonizing wait. It was at a local Marriott; no facility tour; and instead of a crummy 3/2 at an off season hotel, the payoff was a 7-day/6-night cruise.

So the usual BS… meet in the lobby, get signed in, look around at the other couples, mentally prepare myself. The check-in dude looked like Kojak, right down to the lollipop and sunglasses on his forehead. Sue counted his gold chains; seven.

We’re all ushered into a meeting room, and… like in Myrtle Beach…I’m supposed to keep quiet and let Sue play the heavy. Each table had two seats and a name plate for our sales rep, Kristy. Nice lady, very personable; how many kids do you and Darryl have… oh, that’s nice… I have three boys…I love your ring… bwah bwah. Great. All mom/gal talk, I was not expected to contribute anything. I snuck a look at my watch; 15 min down, 75 to go.

The side door opens and in walks the main sales guy, “Tony from Jersey.”  Kristy and the other sales reps discretely withdraw.

Tony could sell ice to Eskimos. The bottom line is you make a one-time $15K “registration and processing fee” and pay an annual $300 membership…and then you get their “wholesale pricing” vs similar offerings from Expedia, PriceLine, etc, “that are marked up, up to 500%.”

You can take up to four other family members with you, and it’s transferable; “a great legacy to leave the kids,” who will raise their Mai Tais to Sue and me from their glass-bottomed tiki hut in French Polynesia.

Tony from Jersey goes through a dazzling presentation at breakneck speed. We’re shown magnificent vacations packages with the “regular” price versus their “wholesale” prices. Cruises, all-inclusive packages, timeshares, hotels, tours. He keeps the crowd engaged by peppering us with questions: “Now, how many of you would like this Maui packages for just $798 a week for BOTH of you?” Hands go up. “Peter…is it Peter?” Peter nods. “You said you wanted to go to Aruba. How would you like to take your wife there for just $699 for a week?” Peter nods vigorously.

Finally, he holds up something that looks like a golden ticket to the Wonka chocolate factory. He slows his tempo dramatically. “Now,” he says. “This is like a dance where no one wants to be first one. So…the first couple that signs will get this $2000 bonus. That means your price is not $15,000…but only $13,000.” He raises the golden ticket. “I only have ONE of these, and when it’s gone, it’s gone. Talk to your reps.” Everybody glances around nervously.

Tony concludes with applause from the 15 or so couples in the room. He nods and the sales reps re-enter. Kristy sits and smiles. “So, what do you think?” she asks. We both nod. “Are you ready to join our travel family?” She looks over her shoulder and lowers her voice. “You don’t want to lose that $2,000 bonus.”

I ask if we can have a few minutes to discuss. Kristy gives me a look, but gets up and stands about five feet away. Sue and I whisper hoarsely; surprisingly, she is on board. Kristy senses it and rejoins us.

One couple gets up and leaves. We think they’re heading home, but Tony claps and says “Ted and Carol are our first couple. Congratulations on winning that bonus!” The rest of us look around in dismay. Dang.

I faintly hear Pop faintly whispering a warning as Sue and Kristy look at me. I take a sip of water. “Kristy, I’m sorry. We can’t afford it right now.”

Kristy goes into high gear and for the next ten minutes, I’m trying to politely extricate ourselves from the process while she uses our yellow pad of paper to write examples of how much we could save. Finally, she lowers her voice. “OK,” she says. “I’m not supposed to do this…but I can get you the $2,000 bonus.” She leans back.

Thanks, but no thanks. She looks shocked, and nods to someone in the corner. Kojak appears; he looks at us sorrowfully.

I repeat our reasons for passing, and he brushes my comments aside. He takes the yellow pad and vigorously crosses off the $13,000 price and writes $10,000. He puts his hand on top of mine. “NOW what do you say?”

I look at Sue. “YOU make the call,” she says. Great.

“Nah, thanks,” I say, “We’re out.”

The guy’s eyebrows go up, also pushing up the sunglasses he’s wearing on his forehead. “You’re OUT?” he asks incredulously.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” I start to reiterate our reasons and he cuts me off. The $10,000 is crossed out; now it’s $5,000. He holds out his hand. “Can I welcome you to our travel family?” I look at Sue; she’s bug-eyed. Pop is practically shouting at me.

“No, thanks. I’m sorry.” He turns in disgust and rises. “Make sure you leave our pads and pens,” he says. Kristy gives us the stuff for the free cruise she also glares at us.

It was a small victory for me. As I’ve gotten older, I see the world differently. Kristy, Tony and Kojak were betting that their up-the middle surge would pry my wallet open. It worked on at least half the couples. But the whole thing was almost laughable and my defense held.

Sue smiled at me as I drove. Thanks for being the heavy for once.

And somewhere, Pop also cheered 🙂