Keeping it Fair

One of my favorite scenes from the movie Caddyshack involves the golfing contest between boorish Rodney Dangerfield and snooty Ted Knight. Dangerfield, in danger of losing, fakes an injury and withdraws.

The two referees are standing next to him. He looks around, shoves a handful of bills into their hands and says sotto voce “And you guys… keep it fair, keep it fair!”

I have found Keep it Fair to be a good working axiom, as I tend to view most rules as guidelines…suggestions, really. Don’t know why, maybe it was being micromanaged as a kid, or perhaps it’s just my personality. “Know the rules so you can bend them, but not break them” was a corollary axiom that I also learned early.

HR edicts… traffic rules… HOA regulations… all have been subject to the KIF principle, all within the boundaries of the law. I think. Except for one incident that may have overstepped the line; but since it was an accident…sort of…I don’t think I get a penalty stroke.

I was attending a week-long class for work in St. Louis. My first night there, I asked about restaurants and was told there was an excellent pub not far away. I’ve always been an Anglophile, so the thought of throwing darts and having a few pints with “the lads” was appealing.

They were a nice crowd, quite a few Brits, and when they found out I was from Florida I started getting thumps on the back and grilled for details…was it really like on Miami Vice? I told them some tall tales, they bought me several pints, and then one guy told me Fleetwood Mac was playing that night. I looked at my watch; I could just make it.

The concert was great but when I came outside, it was raining. This was way before GPS, so using my paper Hertz map, I slowly made my way back to my hotel while squinting at street signs in the rain that got heavier and heavier.

I came to a light, needed to make a left; it’s raining so hard I could barely see. The light turned, I go. There’s a tremendous bang, and the car stops and dies. Uh oh.

I get out, instantly soaked, and saw there was this stupid median about a foot tall in the middle of the divided highway. I didn’t see it, rammed the car right into it; there was some damage to the quarter panel but the left front wheel was pushed so far back, it was nearly touching the wheel well. I got the car going again but with an alarming squealing…a screech, actually…the whole way back to the hotel. In the covered parking area, I was able to take a closer look and gulped. I didn’t use the car the rest of that week.

At the airport, I drove into the Hertz lot and parked as far back as I could. Luckily, no one was outside to hear the racket and I parked with the damaged side facing a wall. A pleasant young woman took my paperwork and started typing.

“Everything all right, sir?”

“Oh, yes, just fine, thank you.”

“Any issues with the car?”

“Uh…no, none that I could think of.” She handed me my receipt with a smile and I fled on the shuttle.

About a month later at work, I checked my snail mail folder…uh oh, an envelope from Hertz. Very polite: Uhmmm…did you notice any damage to your vehicle bwah bwah bwah? I put the letter in my bottom drawer. Next month, a second letter; this time, less courteous; I filed it with the other. A third letter, this time a decidedly nasty tone, bwah bwah Corporate contract, severe front end damage, an astonishingly high repair figure.

Clearly KIF was not gonna work in this instance. I went to see my manager, explained in my most concerned, responsible tone that I tried to keep this from bubbling up and causing him heartburn…I’d had a little incident with the car, little damage, Hertz was contacting me, how would he like me to handle it. Luckily, he was a great guy and we had good rapport. “Let me make a few calls,” he said and motioned me to close the door on my way out.

I sweat it out for a week or two, but I never heard any more about it. I guess our travel people were able to make Hertz happy; No problem is so big or complex it can’t be solved by throwing money at it was another concept I learned when it came to Corporate dealings.

So a happy ending all around. But I’d never consider buying a used rental fleet vehicle 😮