Lawn Care for the Jaded

Last week’s cold snap is gone and maple buds means Spring is coming. It got me thinking about lawn care and my dad’s old rule about the three phases of life: Accumulating stuff; maintaining stuff; and getting rid of stuff.

North Carolina lawns are not the diehard St. Augustine lawns of Florida that I grew up with. No mowing in flip flops and a bathing suit, maybe a little fire ant killer now and then.

NC lawns are finicky, demanding. Almost every season involves some lawn care ritual: Weed killer, fertilizer, seeding. Straw, lime, aeration, soil testing.

Accumulation Phase…all this stuff needs the right equipment, so during our first few years, I filled our garage with lawn care stuff. It was immensely satisfying; nothing better than leaning exhausted on my rake in the Fall twilight, watching the gentle swish swish of the sprinkler. And it wasn’t just me. All my neighbors were about our age, with little kids, and we all did the same. Pleasant Valley Sunday, charcoal burning everywhere.

Maintenance Phase…lasted about 15 years. Stuff broke and I fixed or replaced it. Me and all the other guys on our street did our lawn thing as tricycles gave way to small bikes, then big bikes, then first cars, then Uhauls as college beckoned. The trees I planted grew and their shade gradually reduced the areas where grass would grow. I gave up and declared pine needles and dead leaves “natural areas”…no maintenance needed.

Disposal Phase…started with me subbing out mowing to the kids and everything else to a lawn guy. He was cheaper than it cost me to rent stuff like an aerator, not to mention the hassle of getting it home and my heartbeat over 170 as I manhandled the frigging thing around.

The spreader, edger, weed eater, blower and almost everything except the mower all ended up at Goodwill as I abandoned the desire for a Better Homes & Gardens lawn.

Yesterday, I noticed a house one block over had gone almost fully camo: the entire yard was a “natural area” of leaves, pine needles and mulch.

Beautiful. I’ll give my mower to the young guy across the street who’s just started phase one 😎